Dad Jokes

70 of our favorites:

• I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.
• What do you call a daddy balloon that disappears? Pops!
• Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
• Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
• What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
• How do you organize a space party? You planet.
• I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.
• Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts.
• Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
• What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
• Why did the bicycle fall over? It was two-tired.
• Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.
• How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.
• I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!
• Why don’t melons get married? Because they can’t elope.
• What do you call a1 pile of cats? A meowtain.
• How does a snowman get around? By riding an “icicle.”
• Why did the math book look sad? Because it had too many problems.
• How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.
• What did one hat say to the other hat? You stay here, I’ll go on ahead!
• I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.
• I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know why.
• What did one snowman say to the other snowman? Do you smell carrots?
• I used to play piano by ear. Now, I use my hands.
• Did you hear about the kidnapping at the park? It’s not a big deal, he woke up.
• Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.
• I’m not a photographer, but I can definitely picture us together.
• What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.
• Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.
• What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
• Why don’t eggs tell jokes? Because they might crack up.
• What’s red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
• I tried to catch some fog yesterday, but I mist.
• Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack!
• Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself!
• I have a joke about math, but I’m 2^2 to say it!
• What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five Guys!
• Sometimes life lets you down. But no matter what, you can always count on your fingers.
• What did the baby computer call his father? Data!
• If you were a light bulb, I would love you a watt!
• Why don’t pirates take a bath? They prefer to wash up on shore.
• Why was the broom late for school? It over swept!
• A termite walks into a bar and asks, “Is the bartender here?”
• What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idear!
• How do you tell the difference between a bull and a cow? It’s either one or the utter!
• I can tolerate algebra but geometry is where I draw the line!
• At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected!
• We’re renovating the house and the first floor is going great… The second floor is another story!
• Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom!
• What do you call a medieval lamp? A Knight light!
• What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A deserter!
• Where does a sheep go to get it’s haircut? A baa baa shop!
• Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on!
• What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher!
• Why couldn’t the sailor learn the alphabet? He kept getting lost at C!
• I can always tell if someone is lying just by looking at them. I can also tell if they’re standing!
• What do you call someone who won’t fart in public? A private tutor!
• I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off… Too much sax and violins!
• Where do you see yourself in five years? Probably in a mirror!
• Why doesn’t the Hulk lose his pants when he transforms? Because his jeans were altered!
• The doctor told me I’m going deaf. The news was hard to hear!
• People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on grease!
• I told the doctor I think I’m shrinking. He said “Calm down! You’ll have to learn to be a little patient!”
• My kids seem to only get sick on school days. I think they have a weekend immune system!
• What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck!
• What do you call a yeti with a six-pack? An abdominal snowman!
• What’s a cat’s favorite color? Purrrrrple!
• Why don’t shrimp share? Because they’re a little shellfish!
• Why are peppers so good at archery?  They habanero
• What do you call a prisoner landing a plane?  Condescending

And to close it out… a Knock -Knock Joke…

“Knock knock”
“Who’s there”
“I eat mop”
“I eat mop who?” …which sounds like “I eat my poo!”